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FREE Hangman Modified
Author: kittehbangity
Description Source Code Launch App Current Users
/*******************************************************
Welcome to Chaturbate's version of Cards Against Humanity!
 *	 Title   	: 	Cards Against Humanity
 *	 By			:	kittehbangity
 *   Version    : 	1.0.0 (2015.07.13)
 *******************************************************/
    
cb.settings_choices = [{
    name: 'ADVERT_TIME',
    type: 'int',
    minValue: 4,
    maxValue: 10,
    defaultValue: 10,
    label: 'Delay for Notice display (4 to 10 min) '
}];


/***** App commands *****/
var COMMAND =
{
	// General Commands:
	HELP		: 'help',		/* Display the commands.					*/
	WINNERS		: 'winners',	/* Display winners list 					*/
	PLAYERS		: 'players', 	/* Display list of players					*/
	
	// Broadcaster Commands:
	ADD			: 'add',		/* Add one or more viewers to player list	*/
	STARTGAME	: 'startgame',	/* Start the game							*/
	STOPGAME	: 'stopgame',	/* Stop the game							*/
	OPEN		: 'open',		/* Open submitted white cards				*/
	CHOOSE		: 'choose',		/* Pick the best answer						*/
	RESET		: 'reset',		/* Reset winners list						*/
	
	// Viewer Commands:
	LIST		: 'l',			/* Show list of white cards owned			*/
	PICK		: 'p',			/* Pick a card for her/his turn 			*/

};

/***** App colors *****/
var COLOR =
{
	DEVELOPER	: '#D9F7F7',	/* Very light blue: Highlight colour for developers		*/
	BRED		: '#FF1407',	/* Bright red: Timer notice, misc. important messages	*/
	MRED		: '#D80A00',	/* Medium red											*/
	HIGHLIGHT	: '#EEE5FF',	/* Pastel purple: Highlight colour for ticket holders	*/
	SUCCESS 	: '#468847',	/* Green: Everything is fine							*/
	ERROR 		: '#B94A48',	/* Red: Everything fails								*/
	INFO 		: '#144D8C',	/* Blue-grey: Help and misc info						*/
	NOTICE		: '#6900CC',	/* Bluish purple: General chat notice					*/
	DPURPLE		: '#663399',	/* Dark purple											*/
	LPURPLE		: '#8041BF',	/* Lighter purple										*/
	BLUE		: '#000099',	/* Dark blue											*/
	MOD			: '#DC0000',	/* Moderator red										*/
	FAN			: '#009900',	/* Fan green											*/
	SYNTAX		: '#995B00',	/* Brownish: Usage notice colour and messages
								   to broadcaster on mod-action							*/
	HVTEXT 		: '#D80A00',	/* Reddish: Text colour for Hi-Vis notices				*/
	HVBACK 		: '#FFFFBF',	/* Light yellow: Backbround colour for Hi-Vis notices	*/
	TBMBACK		: '#E0EEFF',
	TBMTEXT		: '#12447A',
	MAG			: '#E509E5',	/* Magenta												*/
	STOPHL		: '#FFE5E5',
	PINK		: '#FF48D2',	/* Pink													*/
	BLI			: '#DDFFCC',	/* Pastel green - Birdy									*/
	BF			: '#FFE0EA'		/* Pastel pink - Blaze									*/
	
};

	
var roomHost = cb.room_slug;

/********** Misc Variables **********/

var cmdPrefix	= '/';
var dashLine	= "------------------------------------------------------------";


/***** Arrays *****/
var playerList 		= [];	// Array of players, e.g. "randompasserby"
var whiteCards		= []; 	// Array of white cards owned by players
var whiteAvailable  = [];	// Array of white cards in the deck, e.g. "Michelle Obama's arms."
var submittedCards	= new Object();	// Map of white cards submitted for the round
var orderedSubmittedCards = [];

function getUser(k) {
    return submittedCards[k];
}

var blackAvailable  = [];	// List of black cards
var curBlackCard;

cb.onMessage(function(msg)
{
	var m 			= msg['m'];
	var u 			= msg['user'];
	var isMod		= msg['is_mod'];
	var isRoomHost	= (u == roomHost);

	
	// split the chat message into a command, "cmd" and its parameters "cmdval"
	// further splits cmdval into array "cmdValArray"
	var regexCommandSplit	= '^' + cmdPrefix + '(\\S+)(?:\\b\\s*)(.*)?';
	var regexListSplit		= /[\s]+/;
	var reCmdSplit 			= new RegExp(regexCommandSplit);
	
	var cmdSplit 			= m.match(reCmdSplit);
	var cmd;
	var cmdval;
	var cmdValArray;
	
	if (cmdSplit) {
		cmd 		= cmdSplit[1];
		cmdval 		= cmdSplit[2];
		if (cmdval != null) cmdval = cmdval.replace(/^\s+|\s+$/g,'');
		if (cmdval != null) {
			cmdValArray = cmdval.split(regexListSplit);
		} else {
			cmdValArray = '';
		}
	}
	
	if (/^(\?|!)/.test(m)) {
		msg['X-Spam'] = true;
		return cb.sendNotice(dashLine+"\n* " +app.name+ ": Incorrect command prefix.\n"+dashLine,u,'',COLOR.MRED,'bold');
	}
	
	if (cmdval && (/^</.test(cmdval))) {
		msg['X-Spam'] = true;
		return cb.sendNotice(dashLine+"\n* The < and > are not required. Please re-enter.\n"+dashLine,u,'',COLOR.MRED,'bold');
	}
	
	/***** Ok, let's start processing commands *****/
	
	switch (cmd) {


	/*******************
	 * General Commands *
	 *******************/
	
	/***** Help and Command List ***** /help *****/
	case COMMAND.HELP:
		//cb.sendNotice(getCommandList(u,isMod),u,'',COLOR.INFO,'bold');
		cb.log("u: " + u);
		cb.log("isMod: " + isMod);
		cb.log(getCommandList(u,isMod));
		cb.sendNotice(getCommandList(u,isMod));
		
	break;


	/***** Winners List ***** /winners *****/
	case COMMAND.WINNERS:
	break;
	
	/***** Players List ***** /players *****/
	case COMMAND.PLAYERS:
		cb.sendNotice(getPlayersList(),u,'',COLOR.INFO,'bold');
	break;
	
	
	/**************************************
	 * Moderator and Broadcaster Commands *
	 **************************************/
	 
	/***** Add user(s) ***** /add *****/
	case COMMAND.ADD:
		if ((isMod) || isRoomHost) {
			if (cmdval) {
				if (cmdValArray.length > 1) {
					
					// We are adding multiple viewers at once
					cb.sendNotice("* Mass adding users to the player list",u,'',COLOR.NOTICE,'bold');
					
					for (var i=0; i<cmdValArray.length; i++) {

						if (!user('check',cmdValArray[i]) && cmdValArray[i] != "") {
							// User is not yet on the list
							user('add',cmdValArray[i]); // And add the user (
						} else if (cmdValArray[i] != "") {
							// Safe to assume we don't have to add this user?
							cb.sendNotice("* Skipped: '" + cmdValArray[i] + "' is already on the player list.",u,'',COLOR.SYNTAX);
						}

					} // end for

					cb.sendNotice("* Mass adding completed - Viewers Notified.",u,'',COLOR.NOTICE,'bold'); // Kinda nice to know we're done
					
					
				} else {
					
					if ( user('check',cmdval) ) {
						cb.sendNotice("* Skipped: '" + cmdval + "' is already on the list.",u,'',COLOR.NOTICE,'bold');
					} else {
						// We are just adding one viewer
					
						if (!cbjs.arrayContains(playerList,cmdval)) playerList.push(cmdval);
				
						// Inform viewer
						cb.sendNotice("* '" + cmdval + "' you have been added to the player list.",cmdval,'',COLOR.NOTICE,'bold');
					
						// Inform adder
						cb.sendNotice("* Viewer '" + cmdval + "' added to the player list.",u,'',COLOR.NOTICE,'bold');
					
						// Inform broadcaster
						cb.sendNotice("* Viewer '" + cmdval + "' added to the player list by '" + u + "'.",roomHost,'',COLOR.SYNTAX,'');
					}
					
				} // end if +cmdValArray.length
			} // end if cmdval
		} // end if ((isMod) || isRoomHost) 
	break;
	
	
	
	/***** Start game ***** /startgame *****/
	case COMMAND.STARTGAME:
		startGame();
	break;
	
	/***** Stop game ***** /stopgame *****/
	case COMMAND.STOPGAME:
		stopGame();
	break;
	
	/***** Open submitted white cards ***** /open *****/
	case COMMAND.OPEN:
		openCards();
	break;

	/***** Choose the best answer ***** /choose *****/
	case COMMAND.CHOOSE:
		if (cmdval) {
			chooseBestAnswer(cmdval);
		}
	break;
	
	
	/**************************************
	 * Players Commands *
	 **************************************/
	 
	 /***** Pick ***** /p *****/
	case COMMAND.PICK:
		var userId = getUserId(u);
        
		if	(cmdval){
			if (parseInt(cmdval) >= 0 && parseInt(cmdval) < whiteCards[userId].length){
            	pick(cmdval, userId);
            } else {
				cb.sendNotice("Please choose the correct number of card");
			}
		}
		
	break;
	
	} /*** switch DONE ***/
	
})



/********** Functions **********/

// User Handling 
function user(command,user,sendpass)
{
	if ( (command === 'add') ) {
		if (!cbjs.arrayContains(playerList,cmdValArray[i])) playerList.push(cmdValArray[i]);
		cb.sendNotice("* Added: '" + cmdValArray[i] +  "'.",u,'',COLOR.SUCCESS,''); // say who.
		cb.sendNotice("* '"+cmdValArray[i]+"' you have been added to the ticket holders list.",cmdValArray[i],'',COLOR.NOTICE,'bold');
					
	} // end if add

	if ( (command === 'del') ) {
		if (cbjs.arrayContains(playerList,user)) cbjs.arrayRemove(playerList,user);
	} // end if del

	if (command === 'check') {
		return (cbjs.arrayContains(playerList, user) == true ? true : false);
	} // end if check
	
} // end function user

// Get the list of commands
function getCommandList(u,isMod)
{
	var notice = "--------------- GAME RULES ---------------"; 
	notice += "\n" + "At the beginning of the game, each player is given ten White \"Cards\".";
	notice += "\n";
	notice += "Broadcaster is the Card Czar and plays a Black Card. The Card Czar will display the question or fill-in-the-blank phrase on the Black Card.";
	notice += "\n";
	notice += "Everyone else answers the question or fills in the blank by passing one White Card to the Card Czar.";
	notice += "\n";
	notice += "The app will collect and shuffle all of the answers and show each card combination to the group. The Card Czar then picks the funniest play, and whoever submitted it gets one Awesome Point.";
	notice += "\n";
	notice += "After the round, everyone will be given new White Card back up to ten.";
	notice += "\n";
	
	notice += "--------------- COMMAND LIST ---------------"; 
	
	// General Commands	
	notice += "\n" + cmdPrefix + COMMAND.HELP 	+ " - Display the commands.	";
	notice += "\n" + cmdPrefix + COMMAND.WINNERS	+ " - Display winners list.";
	notice += "\n" + cmdPrefix + COMMAND.PLAYERS 	+ " - Display list of players.";
		

	// Moderator, or Broadcaster only Commands
	if (isMod || u === roomHost) {
		notice += "\n" + cmdPrefix + COMMAND.ADD	+ " <user> or <user1 user2 etc>  -  Add one or more viewers to player list.";
		notice += "\n" + cmdPrefix + COMMAND.STARTGAME	+ " - Start the game.";		
		notice += "\n" + cmdPrefix + COMMAND.STOPGAME 	+ " - Stop the game.";
		notice += "\n" + cmdPrefix + COMMAND.OPEN		+ " - Open submitted white cards."
		notice += "\n" + cmdPrefix + COMMAND.CHOOSE	+ " <number> - Pick the best answer from list of submitted white cards."
		notice += "\n" + cmdPrefix + COMMAND.RESET		+ " - Reset winners list.";		
	} // end if moderator+broadcaster
	
	// Player-only Commands
	if (!isMod && u !== roomHost) {
		notice += "\n" + cmdPrefix + COMMAND.LIST 	+ " - Show list of white cards owned.";
		notice += "\n" + cmdPrefix + COMMAND.PICK 	+ " - Pick a card for your turn.";
	} // end if player
	
	notice += "\n---------------------------------------------------"; // line below list
	
	return notice;
}

function getPlayersList() {
	var players = "--------------- PLAYERS LIST ---------------"; // Header
	
	for (var i=0; i<playerList.length; i++) {
		players += "\n" + i+1 + ". " + playerList[i];
	}
	
	return players;
}

function startGame(){
	whiteAvailable = whiteCardsList;
	blackAvailable = blackCardsList;
	
	// Distribute white cards to players
	var rnumber;
	for (var i=0; i<playerList.length; i++) {
		for (var j=0; j<10; j++) {
			rnumber = Math.floor(Math.random() * whiteAvailable.length);
			whiteCards[i][j] = whiteAvailable[rnumber];
			whiteAvailable.splice(rnumber, 1);
		}
	}
	nextRound();
}

function stopGame(){
	playerList 		= [];	
	whiteCards		= [];
	submittedCards	= [];
	orderedSubmittedCards = [];
}
	
function openCards(){
	var notice;
	var i = 0;
	
	for (card in submittedCards) {
		orderedSubmittedCards[i] = card;
		notice = "" +i+1 + ". " + orderedSubmittedCards[i];
		setTimeout(function(){ cb.sendNotice(notice); }, 3000);
		i++;
	}
}
	
function chooseBestAnswer(number){
	if (number >= 0 && number <orderedSubmittedCards.length){
		return orderedSubmittedCards[number];
	} 
	return null;
}

function nextRound(){
	// init submittedCards
	submittedCards	= [];
	// randomize a Black Card for the round
	var rand = Math.floor(Math.random() * blackAvailable.length);
	curBlackCard = blackAvailable[rand];
	blackAvailable.splice(rand,1);
	
	if ((whiteAvailable.length >= playerList.length)){
		for (var i=0; i<playerList.length; i++) {
			if (whiteCards[i].length < 10) {
				for (var j=playerList.length; j<10; j++){
					whiteCards[i].push(whiteAvailable[rnumber]);
					whiteAvailable.splice(rnumber, 1);
				}
			}
		}
	}
	
}

function pick(number, userId){
	var picked = whiteCards[userId][number];
	// remove card from user's "hands"
	whiteCards[userId].splice(number,1);
	// add to submitted cards
	submittedCards[userId] = picked;
	return picked;
}

function getUserId(user){
	return playerList.indexOf(user);
}

function advert() {
    cb.chatNotice('Cards Against Humanity! Everyone can play!');
    cb.chatNotice(getCommandList(roomHost,false), cb.room_slug);
    cb.setTimeout(advert, (cb.settings.ADVERT_TIME * 60000));
}

function init() {
    advert();
}


var blackCardsList = ["TSA guidelines now prohibit __________ on airplanes.","It's a pity that kids these days are all getting involved with __________.","In 1,000 years, when paper money is but a distant memory, __________ will be our currency.","Major League Baseball has banned __________ for giving players an unfair advantage.","What is Batman's guilty pleasure?","Next from J.K. Rowling: Harry Potter and the Chamber of __________.","I'm sorry, Professor, but I couldn't complete my homework because of __________.","What did I bring back from Mexico?","__________? There's an app for that.","__________. Betcha can't have just one!","What's my anti-drug?","While the United States raced the Soviet Union to the moon, the Mexican government funneled millions of pesos into research on __________.","In the new Disney Channel Original Movie, Hannah Montana struggles with __________ for the first time. ","What's my secret power?","What's the new fad diet?","What did Vin Diesel eat for dinner?","When Pharaoh remained unmoved, Moses called down a Plague of __________.","How am I maintaining my relationship status?","What's the crustiest?","In L.A. County Jail, word is you can trade 200 cigarettes for __________.","After the earthquake, Sean Penn brought __________ to the people of Haiti.","Instead of coal, Santa now gives the bad children __________.","Life for American Indians was forever changed when the White Man introduced them to __________.","What's Teach for America using to inspire inner city students to succeed?","Maybe she's born with it. Maybe it's __________.","In Michael Jackson's final moments, he thought about __________.","White people like __________.","Why do I hurt all over?","A romantic, candlelit dinner would be incomplete without __________.","What will I bring back in time to convince people that I am a powerful wizard?","BILLY MAYS HERE FOR __________.","The class field trip was completely ruined by __________.","What's a girl's best friend?","Dear Abby, I'm having some trouble with __________ and would like your advice.","When I am President of the United States, I will create the Department of __________.","What are my parents hiding from me?","What never fails to liven up the party?","What gets better with age?","__________: Good to the last drop.","I got 99 problems but __________ ain't one.","__________. It's a trap!","MTV's new reality show features eight washed-up celebrities living with __________.","What would grandma find disturbing, yet oddly charming?","What's the most emo?","During sex, I like to think about __________.","What ended my last relationship?","What's that sound?","__________. That's how I want to die.","Why am I sticky?","What's the next Happy Meal toy?","What's there a ton of in heaven?","I do not know with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with __________.","What will always get you laid?","__________: Kid-tested, mother-approved.","Why can't I sleep at night?","What's that smell?","What helps Obama unwind?","This is the way the world ends / This is the way the world ends / Not with a bang but with __________.","Coming to Broadway this season, __________: The Musical.","Anthropologists have recently discovered a primitive tribe that worships __________.","But before I kill you, Mr. Bond, I must show you __________.","Studies show that lab rats navigate mazes 50% faster after being exposed to __________.","Next on ESPN2: The World Series of __________.","When I am a billionaire, I shall erect a 50-foot statue to commemorate __________.","In an attempt to reach a wider audience, the Smithsonian Museum of Natural History has opened an interactive exhibit on __________.","War! What is it good for?","What gives me uncontrollable gas?","What do old people smell like?","What am I giving up for Lent?","Alternative medicine is now embracing the curative powers of __________.","What did the US airdrop to the children of Afghanistan?","What does Dick Cheney prefer?","During Picasso's often-overlooked Brown Period, he produced hundreds of paintings of __________.","What don't you want to find in your Chinese food?","I drink to forget __________.","__________. High five, bro.","He who controls __________ controls the world.","The CIA now interrogates enemy agents by repeatedly subjecting them to __________.","In Rome, there are whisperings that the Vatican has a secret room devoted to __________.","Science will never explain the origin of __________.","When all else fails, I can always masturbate to __________.","I learned the hard way that you can't cheer up a grieving friend with __________.","In its new tourism campaign, Detroit proudly proclaims that it has finally eliminated __________.","The socialist governments of Scandinavia have declared that access to __________ is a basic human right.","In his new self-produced album, Kanye West raps over the sounds of __________.","What's the gift that keeps on giving?","This season on Man vs. Wild, Bear Grylls must survive in the depths of the Amazon with only __________ and his wits. ","When I pooped, what came out of my butt?","In the distant future, historians will agree that __________ marked the beginning of America's decline.","What has been making life difficult at the nudist colony?","And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it hadn't been for __________.","What brought the orgy to a grinding halt?","__________. High five, bro.","TSA guidelines now prohibit __________ on airplanes.","It's a pity that kids these days are all getting involved with __________.","In 1,000 years, when paper money is but a distant memory, __________ will be our currency.","Major League Baseball has banned __________ for giving players an unfair advantage.","What is Batman's guilty pleasure?","Next from J.K. Rowling: Harry Potter and the Chamber of __________.","I'm sorry, Professor, but I couldn't complete my homework because of __________.","What did I bring back from Mexico?","__________? There's an app for that.","Betcha can't have just one!","What's my anti-drug?","While the United States raced the Soviet Union to the moon, the Mexican government funneled millions of pesos into research on __________.","In the new Disney Channel Original Movie, Hannah Montana struggles with __________ for the first time.","What's my secret power?","What's the new fad diet?","What did Vin Diesel eat for dinner?","When Pharaoh remained unmoved, Moses called down a Plague of __________.","How am I maintaining my relationship status?","What's the crustiest?","When I'm in prison, I'll have __________ smuggled in.","After Hurricane Katrina, Sean Penn brought __________ to the people of New Orleans.","Instead of coal, Santa now gives the bad children __________.","Life was difficult for cavemen before __________.","What's Teach for America using to inspire inner city students to succeed?","Who stole the cookies from the cookie jar?","In Michael Jackson's final moments, he thought about __________.","White people like __________.","Why do I hurt all over?","A romantic candlelit dinner would be incomplete without __________.","What will I bring back in time to convince people that I am a powerful wizard?","BILLY MAYS HERE FOR __________.","The class field trip was completely ruined by __________.","What's a girl's best friend?","I wish I hadn't lost the instruction manual for __________.","When I am President of the United States, I will create the Department of __________.","What are my parents hiding from me?","What never fails to liven up the party?","What gets better with age?","__________: good to the last drop.","I got 99 problems but __________ ain't one.","It's a trap!","MTV's new reality show features eight washed-up celebrities living with __________.","What would grandma find disturbing, yet oddly charming?","What's the most emo?","During sex, I like to think about __________.","What ended my last relationship?","What's that sound?","__________. That's how I want to die.","Why am I sticky?","What's the next Happy MealÂ® toy?","What's there a ton of in heaven?","I do not know with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with __________.","What will always get you laid?","__________: kid tested, mother approved.","Why can't I sleep at night?","What's that smell?","What helps Obama unwind?","This is the way the world ends \ This is the way the world ends \ Not with a bang but with __________.","Coming to Broadway this season, __________: The Musical.","Anthropologists have recently discovered a primitive tribe that worships __________.","But before I kill you, Mr. Bond, I must show you __________.","Studies show that lab rats navigate mazes 50% faster after being exposed to __________.","Due to a PR fiasco, Walmart no longer offers __________.","When I am a billionaire, I shall erect a 50-foot statue to commemorate __________.","In an attempt to reach a wider audience, the Smithsonian Museum of Natural History has opened an interactive exhibit on __________.","War! What is it good for?","What gives me uncontrollable gas?","What do old people smell like?","Sorry everyone, I just __________.","Alternative medicine is now embracing the curative powers of __________.","The U.S. has begun airdropping __________ to the children of Afghanistan.","What does Dick Cheney prefer?","During Picasso's often-overlooked Brown Period, he produced hundreds of paintings of __________.","What don't you want to find in your Chinese food?","I drink to forget __________.", "That's right, I killed __________. How, you ask? __________.","And the Academy Award for __________ goes to __________.","For my next trick, I will pull __________ out of __________.","In his new summer comedy, Rob Schneider is __________ trapped in the body of __________.","When I was tripping on acid, __________ turned into __________.","__________ is a slippery slope that leads to __________.","In a world ravaged by __________, our only solace is __________.","In M. Night Shyamalan's new movie, Bruce Willis discovers that __________ had really been __________ all along.","I never truly understood __________ until I encountered __________.","Rumor has it that Vladimir Putin's favorite dish is __________ stuffed with __________.","LifetimeÂ® presents __________, the story of __________.","What's the next superhero/sidekick duo?"];
var whiteCardsList = ["A Gypsy curse.","A moment of silence.","A sausage festival.","An honest cop with nothing left to lose.","Famine.","Flesh-eating bacteria.","Flying sex snakes.","Not giving a shit about the Third World.","Sexting.","Shapeshifters.","Porn stars.","72 virgins.","A drive-by shooting.","A time travel paradox.","Authentic Mexican cuisine.","Bling.","Consultants.","Crippling debt.","Daddy issues.","The Donald Trump Seal of Approval™.","Dropping a chandelier on your enemies and riding the rope up.","Former President George W. Bush.","Full frontal nudity.","Hormone injections.","Laying an egg.","Getting naked and watching Nickelodeon.","Pretending to care.","Public ridicule.","Sharing needles.","Boogers.","The inevitable heat death of the universe.","The miracle of childbirth.","The Rapture.","Whipping it out.","White privilege.","Wifely duties.","The Hamburglar.","AXE Body Spray.","The Blood of Christ.","Horrifying laser hair removal accidents.","BATMAN!!!","Agriculture.","A robust mongoloid.","Natural selection.","Coat hanger abortions.","Eating all of the cookies before the AIDS bake-sale.","Michelle Obama's arms.","The World of Warcraft.","Swooping.","Obesity.","A homoerotic volleyball montage.","Lockjaw.","A mating display.","Testicular torsion.","All-you-can-eat shrimp for $4.99.","Domino's™ Oreo™ Dessert Pizza.","Kanye West.","Hot cheese.","Raptor attacks.","Taking off your shirt.","Smegma.","Alcoholism.","A middle-aged man on roller skates.","The Care Bear Stare.","Bingeing and purging.","Oversized lollipops.","Self-loathing.","Children on leashes.","Half-assed foreplay.","The Holy Bible.","German dungeon porn.","Being on fire.","Teenage pregnancy.","Gandhi.","Leaving an awkward voicemail.","Uppercuts.","Customer service representatives.","An erection that lasts longer than four hours.","My genitals.","Picking up girls at the abortion clinic.","Science.","Not reciprocating oral sex.","Flightless birds.","A good sniff.","Waterboarding.","A balanced breakfast.","Historically black colleges.","Actually taking candy from a baby.","The Make-A-Wish Foundation.","A clandestine butt scratch.","Passive-aggressive Post-it notes.","The Chinese gymnastics team.","Switching to Geico.","Peeing a little bit.","Home video of Oprah sobbing into a Lean Cuisine.","Nocturnal emissions.","The Jews.","My humps.","Powerful thighs.","Winking at old people.","Mr. Clean, right behind you.","A gentle caress of the inner thigh.","Sexual tension.","The forbidden fruit.","Skeletor.","Fancy Feast.","Being rich.","Sweet, sweet vengeance.","Republicans.","A gassy antelope.","Natalie Portman.","Copping a feel.","Kamikaze pilots.","Sean Connery.","The homosexual agenda.","The hardworking Mexican.","A falcon with a cap on its head.","Altar boys.","The Kool-Aid Man.","Getting so angry that you pop a boner.","Free samples.","A big hoopla about nothing.","Doing the right thing.","The Three-Fifths compromise.","Lactation.","World peace.","RoboCop.","Chutzpah.","Justin Bieber.","Oompa-Loompas.","Inappropriate yodeling.","Puberty.","Ghosts.","An asymmetric boob job.","Vigorous jazz hands.","Fingering.","Glenn Beck catching his scrotum on a curtain hook.","GoGurt.","Police brutality.","John Wilkes Booth.","Preteens.","Scalping.","Stifling a giggle at the mention of Hutus and Tutsis.","Tweeting.","Darth Vader.","A sad handjob.","Exactly what you'd expect.","Expecting a burp and vomiting on the floor.","Adderall™.","Embryonic stem cells.","Tasteful sideboob.","Panda sex.","An icepick lobotomy.","Tom Cruise.","Mouth herpes.","Sperm whales.","Homeless people.","Third base.","Incest.","Pac-Man uncontrollably guzzling cum.","A mime having a stroke.","Hulk Hogan.","God.","Scrubbing under the folds.","Golden showers.","Emotions.","Licking things to claim them as your own.","Pabst Blue Ribbon.","The placenta.","Spontaneous human combustion.","Friends with benefits.","Finger painting.","Old-people smell.","Dying of dysentery.","My inner demons.","A Super Soaker™ full of cat pee.","Aaron Burr.","Cuddling.","The chronic.","Cockfights.","Friendly fire.","Ronald Reagan.","A disappointing birthday party.","A sassy black woman.","Mathletes.","A tiny horse.","William Shatner.","Riding off into the sunset.","An M. 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